My Little Caterpillar

I can only imagine that the time a caterpillar spends in its cocoon is a very scary time. It is a dark time. Your body is changing into something unknown and all you can do is sit patiently and wait for the process to be complete. There is nothing to be done to speed up the process or go back to where you've started. You must simply have patience and faith.


I feel like a caterpillar stuck inside a cocoon.


I started school today. I have been dreading this day all break! I really don't want to go back. It is not the school part that I am dreading (I really enjoy learning and being productive), it is the violin performance part. I feel so uncomfortable saying this, as it has always been my passion and my life, but honestly, I have very little desire to play right now. I want to me a wife and a mom. I want to take care of a house and a family. I want to take care of the people and friends and family around me. I want to cook and do crafts. I want to disciple people and make a difference in other people's lives. I really want a steady life, not the gypsy life of a musician. I want to try something new. Music is all I have ever known and I feel tired. I have taken quite a long break over Christmas and I feel content. I have only really played to teach lessons and at a few gigs that I have had. I'm not sure that I want more than that.

I have begun to think that I would like to be a teacher. What kind of teacher, I don't know yet. I realize that there are many things I need to do in order to truly make this decision. I need to observe some classrooms, both music and non. I need to try my feet in teaching situations other than just private teaching. I also would need to get my teaching certificate and my masters.

What is so frustrating to me right now is that I feel like my place in school has become stagnant. I want to move forward with my dreams, but I have another year and a half before I finish the performance degree that I have started. I can't transfer schools or change my major because 1. I would lose my scholarship, and 2. I really love studying with my teacher. She is the shining star of my time at school. I would really miss working with her! I also know that I would be disappointed with myself if I did not complete what I have started.

Also, how much of this is my real true self coming out and how much of it is because I am just burnt out with violin. Does everyone go through this? Will this change stick? I wish I could see the future. I wish i had answers!

So for now I am stuck. Stuck in a life that I know isn't for me, waiting for the opportunity for the new life I want. I am confused as to what God is going to do now. I have faith that He is going to use this time to continue to change me and grow me, but how? It is unusual for me to be in a position of just waiting for God to work. I have always known what I want and how to get it.

I am looking forward to seeing where God takes me in the next year! Please pray for me, that I will hear what is commanded of me and I will be willing and able to go where ever God leads me. Also, please be patient with me as I go through this hard time. It is very uncomfortable for me to be going through this process and having these feelings.