Book review #1

The Gifts of the Body by Rebecca Brown

I recently read this book in my literacy class. It was a story about a woman who is a home care nurse to AIDS victims in the 1980s. It is an intensely emotional book, as the reader tags along with the narrator as she sees her patients last days. The book can be hard to swallow at times. Rebecca's use of details make the story very vivid to the reader, hitting the reader at he or her nervous system. I found that my initial reading of the book was not as intense as I had expected. However, when drawing deeper into the book and remembering memories of death and pain in my own life, the book took a new turn for me. It became more real and more intimate. I highly recommend this book!

Profile of an Imperfect Human

I wrote this as the first assignment in my literary inquiry class. 

                                                                The Imperfect Human by

        Katie Marble

Here is the imperfect human                   functioning      barely 

        Waking up too late                             Hair messy  no care

              Can’t afford a car                           can’t afford a cappuccino  

               eats a donut                          drips on her shirt

                           picks her nose                       drags her pants in the mud

 late to work  hates her job              doesn’t try very hard

smoking break                                                      eat pizza

         fat                                                               lazy

             not sexy                                                                   no boyfriend

      sits at home                                                                      with her cat

           watches movies                                                                            dreams about love

will she ever find it?                                                                              She’s already 40

wants a house                                                                           and kids

             can’t have kids                                                                        can’t have a house

        sad  alone                                                                    no friends

                   why not?                                                                I’m funny right?

                Self doubt                                                               low self esteem

             Abused lied to                                                                        cheated laughed at

        Too big too old                                                                         too little too late

             Wasted life                                                                           wasted dreams

          Now she drinks                                                                           to escape the pain

        To push away her                                                                        hopes and dreams

   Sits and thinks about                                                                      the American life

The dog the husband                                                                   the job= success

     How come?                             Why?                          Why not?

           Me                            me                           me

                 God?                        Who?                         What for?

            Sit                          Cry                           Stop

Its not worth                            it                             to cry

         I’d rather                         die                         than live.

Do you feel sorry for this woman? Would you help her? Could you help her?  No. Do you feel better because you are in a better place than she? I bet you do. It is the nature of the imperfect human to draw from others failures, feeling more successful because of it. Bigger than the negative steps we take in our daily life, is the “sin” of putting others down in order to raise ourselves up. We see someone who is lonely and sad, and feel grateful for the friends that we have. We see someone homeless on the streets and celebrate, inside, for the money in our pockets. This hypocrisy is the real mark of imperfection. 

Literacy class thought

I am taking a class that is talking about the body and looking at how language expresses the body. It is a really interesting class. Yesterday we talked about the art of Wabi-Sabi (an ancient Japanese art of flower arranging). This is the art of decay appreciation. It presents dying flowers and other parts of nature in new, beautiful ways. They view the moment a flower wilts as the most perfect time in a flowers life. At this point the flower is in accordance with the cycle of life. We talked about how our culture puts so much effort on the young and the beautiful. We, as a culture, don't like the idea of death.

In my opinion, the elderly are the jewels of our culture. They hold the most precious secrets of the past. They have lived life to the fullest and have an incredible bank of knowledge. It is a gift to be given the opportunity to sit down and talk with someone older. They have great wisdom. It doesn't matter if they are related to you, have the same religion as you, or speak the same language as you. They are so valuable! In my opinion, they should never be thrown into retirement homes or treated with disrespect! God has chosen for them to remain here on earth for their whole life. Until He takes them from us, there is something to gain from their presence and knowledge. There is peace in their death, as they have lived a full and glorious life here on earth and will, hopefully, continue on their journey past earth.

I have always loved hands, especially old hands. To me, the hands show where someone has been, what life they have lived. Wrinkles stem from the heart. They are the rivers from which love has flown. They start by our eyes, mouths, and hands (the most used pathways of love). There is such tenderness in these hands!

My Little Caterpillar

I can only imagine that the time a caterpillar spends in its cocoon is a very scary time. It is a dark time. Your body is changing into something unknown and all you can do is sit patiently and wait for the process to be complete. There is nothing to be done to speed up the process or go back to where you've started. You must simply have patience and faith.


I feel like a caterpillar stuck inside a cocoon.


I started school today. I have been dreading this day all break! I really don't want to go back. It is not the school part that I am dreading (I really enjoy learning and being productive), it is the violin performance part. I feel so uncomfortable saying this, as it has always been my passion and my life, but honestly, I have very little desire to play right now. I want to me a wife and a mom. I want to take care of a house and a family. I want to take care of the people and friends and family around me. I want to cook and do crafts. I want to disciple people and make a difference in other people's lives. I really want a steady life, not the gypsy life of a musician. I want to try something new. Music is all I have ever known and I feel tired. I have taken quite a long break over Christmas and I feel content. I have only really played to teach lessons and at a few gigs that I have had. I'm not sure that I want more than that.

I have begun to think that I would like to be a teacher. What kind of teacher, I don't know yet. I realize that there are many things I need to do in order to truly make this decision. I need to observe some classrooms, both music and non. I need to try my feet in teaching situations other than just private teaching. I also would need to get my teaching certificate and my masters.

What is so frustrating to me right now is that I feel like my place in school has become stagnant. I want to move forward with my dreams, but I have another year and a half before I finish the performance degree that I have started. I can't transfer schools or change my major because 1. I would lose my scholarship, and 2. I really love studying with my teacher. She is the shining star of my time at school. I would really miss working with her! I also know that I would be disappointed with myself if I did not complete what I have started.

Also, how much of this is my real true self coming out and how much of it is because I am just burnt out with violin. Does everyone go through this? Will this change stick? I wish I could see the future. I wish i had answers!

So for now I am stuck. Stuck in a life that I know isn't for me, waiting for the opportunity for the new life I want. I am confused as to what God is going to do now. I have faith that He is going to use this time to continue to change me and grow me, but how? It is unusual for me to be in a position of just waiting for God to work. I have always known what I want and how to get it.

I am looking forward to seeing where God takes me in the next year! Please pray for me, that I will hear what is commanded of me and I will be willing and able to go where ever God leads me. Also, please be patient with me as I go through this hard time. It is very uncomfortable for me to be going through this process and having these feelings.